So Ya Going To Art Basel Huh?
i was there slutlust meme


So ya going to Art Basel huh? Scored some great tickets Jet Blue and you have a friend who has a friend who has something-something but it’s near the beach and near all the art and it’s totally cool. Your outfits are fresh out the laundry basket humid and your RSVP thumbs have been working out since Halloween. Your Basel group chat hasn’t stopped buzzing since the last leftover Thanksgiving plate crushed your gullet and you’ve planted enough beach themed emoji’s on all your Miami side pieces Instagram pages so it’s pretty-pretty- pretty obvious that you’re coming…


You’re about to have the best time of your fucking life.


I’m here to tell you maybe.


(Unless you follow these tips.)


Especially if you’re on your way right now. Just say you’re going to party because anyone in the know will know your poor ass is lying.  All the major blue chip celebrity openings with all the important artists and models and the galas the best cocaine to fall out of El Chapo’s butt has already happened. It’s the same rules as in New York; all the veterans rock from Sunday to Thursday, the weekends are for the… well… people that don’t really need to be there and just like pretty colors. Just kidding, it’s for people that go to galleries but can’t afford to buy art but love free booze talking about art in loft parties to people dressed like extras in Broad City.


But here we are.


Have a shit load of cab fare.


No matter how many times people tell you that they really want to pick you up and drop you off at the airport with that scary morning-cup-of-coffee smile, they don’t. Doesn’t matter if it’s your Adderall riddled socialite friend with the dented Kia or your DJ homie whose gig rented him a convertible (IT’S LIT FAM!), no one wants to deal with that shitty downtown Miami traffic on that skinny ass unnecessarily long bridge. God forbid you land during any of the 2 rush hours, you’re gonna rot on the Delta Air tarmac. So get a rental at the airport or take out a small loan so you have enough get away change on your Uber account. Maybe skim on the fancy cocktails in your hotel bar before you go out. Eat the hotel lobby continental breakfast 3 times a day.  Do whatever it takes to make sure you can go when you want to go. Miami during Art Basel is way too fluid with cool shit to do at any given moment to be tied down to someone on their last DUI and a ticket away from being impounded. Side note, get ready to ditch your friends,. Miami is too wild with possibilities to be stuck in your comfort zone. So yeah, fuck your stupid friends and follow a really tanned homeless guy, you’ll thank me later.


Have your own place, and if you gotta rough it GET A KEY.


No everyone in your crew is gonna want to do the annual starving artist skinny dip at 3am with you. Someone in your crew is gonna look at you like you’re crazy when you start climbing tables and dancing like Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface. No one is gonna stand next to you when your lean juice makes you fall and crash into a Jeff Koon’s balloon dog. So please, have a place to retreat and bury your head in shame in or at least have access to one. You don’t want to be nightlife road kill – that friend we find on the way to another party and we step over you while ignoring your pleas of “Hey where you’re going?”- that would be a damned shame you can’t delete off the timeline.


Get your own drugs.


And buy a lot of it, including some extra bottles of booze if you have a hotel with a mini bar. I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Everyone has a guy BEFORE they get to Miami, but when they get there all they get is read receipts and busy signals. IT’S A MAJOR ART FESTIVAL AND ARTIST IS PRETTY MUCH ANOTHER WORD FOR SELF INDULGENT NARCISSIST WITH ADDICTIVE TENDANCIES. Your guy, if he’s as good as you claim he is, is gonna be MAD MARCHING-ANTS-AT-A-UNATTENDED-PICNIC BUSY. So you better have some interesting conversation lined up if you’re waiting for you guy to show up so you can get all gropey in a bathroom stall that’s actually an art installation. It might be many, many moons before you can get your Teen Wolf on. Also guys; most girls that go to Basel don’t really want to fuck, they just want to show off how skinny they look after a harrowing Thanksgiving holiday in hopes of some wrinkled, sun roasted ATM machine of a man notices them and invites them on his party yacht. So unless your dick is a 9 inch vibrating Xanax bar with a vasectomy odds are she’s not interested… unless she needs a ride or a place to crash then play your position fuccboi at least you might get a tagged photo.

jess jubilee

Do not bother Jubilee


Jubilee is a sprite, a butterfly effect of positive vibes that will have to dry humping dolphins while frolicking in a cotton candy swamp. She is also a very giving person.  So when it’s festival time she has to go from quarterback to linebacker real quick because her iPhone battery will go from 100% to 0 real quick. Not only is she in heavy demand for any party in Miami worth its weight in glow sticks, she is also a huge fan of her turntable peers and you goddamn right she’s trying to see as many as she can in between gigs. So yes, she IS the person to know when you party in Miami, but no - she doesn’t fucking have time to go grab you from the door or to re-amend a list she handed in weeks ago with you and your plus 3 of deplorables. Don’t fucking call her over and over again either; she’s probably DJing every single minute of the day and please stay out of her DM’s unless you know her last name. If you’re really her friend, you already know where she’s going and youre already on the list. If you follow her on twitter, she leaves more clues than a touchy burglar with depth perception issues. But in case you don’t, she wrote a little party guide with @RAEWITTE here ( Also the delightful ticket people at @HILOVENEWYORK soft launched @HILOVEMIAMI with Miami muse Kristabel Delgado ( with an Instagram full of cheat codes so if your phone got service and you got Instagram then you got a party schedule. Just please don’t die.



Don’t follow @NYDOORMAN.


To be honest, I’m not even sure if he’s ever been a nightlife doorman in NYC. I might have to become the ill NY DOORMAN truther and scour every party blogger like I’m counting chads. But let’s be honest, if you follow his Twitter account - in between the sad boy eating Ben & Jerry tweets and his Soho Housing in his Yeezy’s – there’s a plethora of name spraying all over the walls of some of the most exclusive venues on the east coast. So before you dismiss his mid-day sensitivity rants on some “fuck this guy”- maybe peep his timeline first. If you wanted to know where the French cut suit & Alexander Wang kicks types were partying at I, would start my research there. And if you’re a art school girl that might look like Kendall Jenner after a few hits of Molly & promoter vodka then definitely dive into his DM’s, he’s sooooo lonely. 


See some art, buy a print, tip your gallery opening bartender, eat at Sandwhicherie, and get kicked out of Deuces. 


If you’re a seasoned Gallery goer in NYC, you probably know a few owners. Ask them if you can borrow their day passes or get on their guest list for the major art fairs. Whatever you do - embarrassing selfies in front of penis art or whining about how you could have done that - don’t look at anyone guarding the booth. They might get the impression that you might have money and you don’t want them to waste a 17 minute spiel on a person who can barely pay his phone bill. And if you’re at a gallery opening, at least have a dollar to tip the poor schmuck that has to pretend to enjoy watching you get all fake deep for a PBR. Also, WATCH WHAT THE FUCK YOU SAY. You never know who is listening and some Raisin-in-the-Sun-type artist waited all of his fucking life, gave up every opportunity privileged to him, starved and alienated his parents, just to overhear your uneducated pedestrian opinion on how his upside down smiley face on piss stained toilet paper isn’t really artHOW FUCKING DARE YOU? So yeah, please be on your best behavior, and my friend @Miss_Rosen came up with a nice little list of shows you should check out and cross reference with whatever DOORMAN & JUBILEE is doing ( And have your phone backed up and picture folder empty so you don’t miss a moment, Art Basel week moves faster than a 20 bag in front of Deuce’s. Deuce’s is the dive bar you’re gonna want to get kicked out of because the booze is so cheap and the poor is crazy heavy. And get a Sandwich at the classic sandwich spot everyone swears is not trendy. And take 70 photos of it. How else is everyone that hates you from High School gonna know that you’re now classy and cultured as fuck?


These are my tips. And if your 1st Art Basel is anything like mine was then you’ll destroy a hotel club hosting your zine release and come back home with a couple of secrets you’ll take to the grave. And regardless of what, even if you’ve never picked up a crayon in your existence, your life is still art. So don’t just sit there and watch the paint dry, create. 


You got till the red eye on Sunday night.